


Better than Cabbage

by AthenaPallas, Spartaness



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Awkward Flirting, Coffee, Duncle, Elijah Kamski & Gavin Reed are Siblings, Espresso Depresso, Gavin Reed swears a lot, Gen, M/M, Memes, One Shot, Regretti Spaghetti, Sassy Nines, Tina is Memeing, Title Unrelated, attempted humor, dumb jokes, no beta we die like men, shitposting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-07
Updated: 2018-12-07
Packaged: 2019-09-13 07:32:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16888287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AthenaPallas/pseuds/AthenaPallas, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spartaness/pseuds/Spartaness
Summary: Well one day I had an idea for a bad joke and then we made it into a fic. You're welcome. We may add more on If I come up with more bad jokes.





	Better than Cabbage

**Author's Note:**

> The title has nothing to do with the fic. Someone suggested it and it sounded funny so yeah.

Gavin shambled over to the coffee machine as soon as he reached the precinct. It had been a long night finishing his latest case’s report in the wake of chasing a Red Ice junkie turned serial murderer. Three androids, two humans. This time last year, this sort of crime wouldn’t have even counted as a serial homicide. The old Gavin would have scoffed. Androids classified as people? Fat fucking chance. But after the events of last November and pairing up with RK900 as his partner, he’s had a change of heart. 

He could hear Tina snickering in the background, which was never a good thing, but he didn’t care enough. Gavin just needed some coffee in him. To his surprise, there was already a coffee waiting for him on his desk. Literally with his name on it in Cyberlife Sans. He felt a looming presence behind him. Most people would be intimidated, but Gavin found comfort from it. 

“I thought it would be beneficial to everyone if you were promptly caffeinated,” Nines stated. Gavin could hear he had a smug little fucking smirk on his face.

Gavin turned around, challenging him. 

“What the fuck are you implying?” he spat out with a little less force than he would have liked.

“I’m not implying anything, Detective,” Nines said turning around to head back to his side of the desk. You could see the fucking smugness radiating off of the android as he sat down. Still, Gavin took the coffee and sat down at his desk to begin writing out the shit ton of reports still remaining. He didn’t like letting other people have the last laugh, but he was too tired to give a shit right now. Did he truly lose anyways? He got a free coffee made for him. This definitely counted as a win. 

He sipped, staring off into the middle distance as the document’s paragraphs swam together, the sentence cursor blinking back accusatorily at him. He huffed and leaned back in his chair, throwing up his feet to rest against the desk. Grabbing his phone, he started mindlessly scrolling through his feed. The news was full of his half-brother’s smarmy face, grinning slyly with a hand on the android leader’s shoulder like they were best buddies. After the revolution, Elijah had returned to CyberLife as CEO to work through a long-term handover to Jericho. They’d signed off recently on beginning production again on android parts and the newly announced customisation options. 

“Kamski’s buddy-buddy with Jericho now? That’s suspect as fuck,” Gavin grimaced. If he knew the man like the nerd he used to, there was always a few layers of alternative motives with everything he did.

“Mr Kamski’s positive association with the Jericho leadership can still be recognised as an achievement,” said Nines, no pause in the new paragraphs flickering across his terminal screen. “With the production of customisable specifications for the existing deviants, it would seem like he is interested in working with Jericho to promote further individuality in the current population.”

Gavin hummed and took another draught of his coffee. He supposed it’d be weird to watch someone with your face walking down the street. He could still hear Tina’s quiet snickering from a few desks over. He glanced over and glared at her, raising an eyebrow. Tina grinned back and then refused to make further eye contact. He frowned and returned to his phone, suspicion rankling him.

“Still don’t see why he came out of his lair to play politics,” he said.

“It’s beneficial for the current android-human relations to have the creator appear as a figurehead. Humans are more likely to trust his leadership as he can be seen as, I suppose, the father figure for all androids,” replied Nines, finally pausing from his report to look at Gavin, his fingers coming to a standstill. Gavin’s gaze roamed over the android’s hands as the skinthetic crawled back over Nines’ white plasteel fingers.

“Father figure?”

“He is the creator of androids. Typically when humans males assist in creating life they are referred to as a ‘father,” said Nines evenly, his expression carefully neutral but voice teasing.

“I fucking know that, tin can,” he replied but with no bite behind it. He was too tired for this shit. Gavin looked over. He could tell that Nines was scheming something. 

“Which would make you our uncle,” Nines said like this was a completely normal fucking thing to say to his boyfriend.

“Fucking what?” 

Out of all the things he thought he would hear in his life, this was not one of those things.

He could hear Tina in the background, snickering turning to suppressed snorts. Gavin was too blindsided by Nines’ train of conversation to ask her what was so fucking funny.

“Are you shitting me?” Gavin hissed. Maybe Nines drugged his coffee.

“Never, Uncle Reed,” Nines grinned, perfect teeth showing in mirth.

Tina lost her shit behind them, cackling. Gavin turned around glaring daggers are her, only causing her to laugh hard. At least she fell of her stupid fucking chair. People were starting to look over at whatever Tina was laughing at. Gavin swung his feet down from the desk and violently pushed back his chair as he stood up. He glared at Nines only earning more of the dumb fucking grin from him. Tina had begun to wheeze somewhere underneath her desk. He needed to take a fucking break. 

“Why do I even talk to either of these morons?” he muttered under his breath acidly as he stomped out of the precinct. He needed a smoke.

**Author's Note:**

> Tina: *snickering*  
> Nines: Duncle  
> Gavin: What the phck  
> Tina: *dies laughing*  
> Gavin: wHaT tHe PhCk


End file.
